Andrew Bolt is rumoured to have his own new TV show on Channel Ten, which is big news for bigots in the 18 – 35 demographic. No doubt with some patience from network execs and a chic new hairstyle a few months in, it will be a huge success. For anyone who isn’t necessarily a fan of his ideas, you can still enjoy the show at home by turning the contrast on your screen all the way down and accusing him of pretending to be black for money. It’s what Andrew would want in a free thinking and speaking society such as our own.

The Australian Defence Force has this week taken a battering in the headlines for their acceptance of bigotry, sexism and homophobia. Many seemed to be surprised to learn that an organisation created by white men, which exists solely to solve problems with violence, isn’t very progressive. But perhaps they should be given the benefit of the doubt. By starting a Facebook group to victimise their homosexual colleagues and punishing women for behaving sexually, maybe they’re just trying to learn how to think like the Taliban. Luckily for everyone who didn’t have time to call their own mental unionist showboating uncle, Bob Ellis has stepped into the breach to declare that if sexual harassment is funny on M*A*S*H, then surely it should still be funny now. It’s a salient reminder for all women: whenever you think you’ve been sexually victimised and want to report it, don’t forget to first ask yourself: “Would this be ok on M*A*S*H?”

In other military news, some diggers have been advised by Townsville RSL that they won’t be able to take part in the ANZAC day march, as it is “too dangerous for them to march around military vehicles”. Sounds like a good justification for getting rid of the military altogether – war, too, can be very dangerous. But the idea that people who fought for Australia are disallowed from partaking in the one day that specifically honours them seems a victory of ridiculous insurance demands over common sense. Otherwise the tales we tell on ANZAC day will need to be altered for generations to come: “Mateship was the most important thing to us, Timmy, but if my mate walked at less than 4km per hour, he had to be left behind.”

Speaking of left behind, Pauline Hanson’s latest efforts at the NSW ballot box haven’t been enough to get her a seat. Redheaded, inflammatory and appearing whenever Australia seems weak, Australia’s own political herpes has demanded a recount, probably assuming that the scrutineers were using their hands to count like she does. Even more disturbing is the fact that she came within 1300 votes of being elected, but was no doubt disadvantaged by the fact that both Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott are still currently using her policies in Federal Parliament. With Queensland next on the list for a State election, let us hope that she takes pity on Queenslanders after all they’ve suffered this year and doesn’t try to run again there. Some politicians have this week talked about receiving death threats, though unfortunately Pauline doesn’t appear to be one of them.

Finally, Kevin Rudd has started rumours that he’s making another run at the Prime Minister’s job by appearing sane and interesting on the ABC’s Q&A program. While denying it publically, he’s been travelling around his electorate schmoozing with the elderly and scaring people with his incredible Julian Assange impersonation. While his popularity remains higher than that of both current party leaders, hopefully the Australian public remembers the last time we let Kevin into the Lodge. Kevin Rudd is the ultimate in the lure of the ex – he seems fun, familiar and fascinating from a distance, but you should never, ever forget why you broke up with him in the first place.

Until next week, happy festivalling.

Courteney Hocking is the co-founder of Melbourne’s Political Asylum comedy room and has been performing as part of this year’s MICF.

From the courtrooms of Melbourne, there is the ongoing trial of Andrew Bolt vs. people who think accusing Aboriginal people of “pretending to be black for money” is racist. He should have realised it was going to land him in trouble – last time we heard of people pretending to be black for money we were punished with six more months of “Hey Hey It’s Saturday”. The case finishes up this Thursday, having seen Andrew Bolt spend six hours in the dock defending his work. He agreed, at one point, that several facts in his article were wrong, but doesn’t believe that these errors detract from his overall message. For my part, I think that Andrew Bolt is an ignorant, dangerous rapist who stirs up hatred for his own nefarious gains. Sure, a measly one of the letters in that sentence may be wrong (if you’re some sort of Greens-voting, latte-sipping, grant-receiving Aboriginal on welfare), but my wider point still stands.

Julia Gillard is proving she couldn’t even sell a scratchie to Brendan Fevola, with our equivalent of the Tea Party (1,000 pensioners with badly spelled placards) turning out in Canberra to protest against the proposed carbon tax. I personally am sick of pensioners living off my hard-earned taxes and suggest they get a job and stop whining. Tony Abbott managed to get himself in hot water by obliviously standing directly in front of a sign saying, “Juliar is Bob Brown’s Bitch”. The good news is the olds don’t seem to know about Bob batting for the other team yet, so their pearls remain un-clutched for now (and no, that’s not a metaphor). The bad news is for the unemployed, as Tony has decided to kick them around for a while until he gets himself back on solid ground with the voters. I reckon if he’s so desperate for all the “dole bludgers” to be working, he should hire some unemployed people himself. Maybe just one of them, who he can put in charge of letting him know when he’s standing in front of a sign that makes him look even more like a ridiculous knob than usual (Liberal Party logos not included).

In final news, it looks like Masterchef will be back on our screens from Sunday 1st May, which is excellent for people who enjoying watching adults crying, cooking and cracking up but don’t have a wife of their own. This also gives MICF participants and attendees a reason to survive the next month of drinking, laughing and not sleeping, as well as something to look forward to after it’s all over. Until next week, try not to accuse anyone of pretending to be Aboriginal for money, and enjoy the MICF.

Courteney Hocking will be performing in Political Asylum: Comedy Caucus 2011 with Wil Anderson, Rod Quantock and many more. The show is on at 11pm Saturday 2nd April at Melbourne Town Hall. For tickets and more information, go to: http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/political-asylum-comedy-caucus-2011

John Howard says we mustn’t paint Hicks as a hero, and I think he’s right. Hicks’s lawyer, Major Michael Mori says Hicks was captured while running away from the frontline. We’ve found the face of terror and looked it straight in the eye’only to have it run off quickly into the distance. I’m not really alert or alarmed, I’m just amazed that our Great and Powerful Friend is so scared of a guy who seems to have less ticker than Kim Beazley (Obviously, also less tikka than Kim Beazley. The catering at Guantanamo Bay is atrocious). I think the Americans were just jealous because David Hicks has actually met Osama bin Laden and they haven’t.

The Americans have apprehended other notable terrorists in their fight against the global threat of terrorism. Four men in Virginia pleaded guilty to training for an attack on the US by participating in several afternoon sessions of paintball. Al-Qaeda is preparing the big guns for us, and the big guns contain several litres of Salmon Pink with a gloss finish. Next week, I anticipate someone will confess to planning the attacks on the World Trade Centre with model airplanes and a couple of sets of Jenga.

One of the Virginian men’s lawyers said he couldn’t deny that his client had attended the paintball, but he couldn’t say that his client was a big participant because he ‘kept falling asleep because it was boring’. So far, Coalition of the Willing: 1, Sleepy Terrorists Spattered In Paint Running Fast In The Opposite Direction: Nil.
As Lleyton Hewitt would say, come on!

We mustn’t get too cocky; we must remain vigilant against possible threats to our way of life. I hear that many of these terrorists are providing material support to a variety of comedy festival shows this year. So the War must go on. Perhaps after six years of advancements like these, we should celebrate with a name change. My vote is for ‘War On Terror Countering Unneccessary National Threats to Security’.

Courteney Hocking is performing her show Un-Australian at Trades Hall, 8.15pm Tuesday to Sundays until 29th April.