The Pun

In other news…

By Courteney Hocking ⋅ April 23, 2007 ⋅  Email This Post ⋅  Print This Post ⋅ Post a comment

This year’s festival has started off on a joyous note: we’re winning the War On Terror. David Hicks has confessed to providing material support for terrorism. The bleeding-heart pinkos no longer have a leg to stand on with their bleating about his unfair treatment. Some went so far as to call it un-Australian, which is patently untrue. The Americans did him the honour of giving him a kangaroo court. Besides, sending a possible criminal to an empty, violent island on the other side of the world and leaving him there indefinitely is about as Australian as you can get. If he’d fashioned himself a helmet out of a bin and tried to shoot his way out, he could’ve been a national icon.

John Howard says we mustn’t paint Hicks as a hero, and I think he’s right. Hicks’s lawyer, Major Michael Mori says Hicks was captured while running away from the frontline. We’ve found the face of terror and looked it straight in the eye’only to have it run off quickly into the distance. I’m not really alert or alarmed, I’m just amazed that our Great and Powerful Friend is so scared of a guy who seems to have less ticker than Kim Beazley (Obviously, also less tikka than Kim Beazley. The catering at Guantanamo Bay is atrocious). I think the Americans were just jealous because David Hicks has actually met Osama bin Laden and they haven’t.

The Americans have apprehended other notable terrorists in their fight against the global threat of terrorism. Four men in Virginia pleaded guilty to training for an attack on the US by participating in several afternoon sessions of paintball. Al-Qaeda is preparing the big guns for us, and the big guns contain several litres of Salmon Pink with a gloss finish. Next week, I anticipate someone will confess to planning the attacks on the World Trade Centre with model airplanes and a couple of sets of Jenga.

One of the Virginian men’s lawyers said he couldn’t deny that his client had attended the paintball, but he couldn’t say that his client was a big participant because he ‘kept falling asleep because it was boring’. So far, Coalition of the Willing: 1, Sleepy Terrorists Spattered In Paint Running Fast In The Opposite Direction: Nil.
As Lleyton Hewitt would say, come on!

We mustn’t get too cocky; we must remain vigilant against possible threats to our way of life. I hear that many of these terrorists are providing material support to a variety of comedy festival shows this year. So the War must go on. Perhaps after six years of advancements like these, we should celebrate with a name change. My vote is for ‘War On Terror Countering Unneccessary National Threats to Security’.

Courteney Hocking is performing her show Un-Australian at Trades Hall, 8.15pm Tuesday to Sundays until 29th April.